Twinkle Twinkle

II. Ballet shoes

I arrived at the bus terminal totally drenched from the downpour. I had nothing but a few clothes, little money and a big piece of courage to carry on. I thought about going back home sometime to get my stuffs, my favorite things.I'm sure I have that chance to sneak in.

I know Simon would be away. He hates being at home. So he goes out almost every night to drink and gamble with his friends. By day he would go to work or just wander somewhere else. We never see each other so often I almost forgot his face.

Then I though about Heather. One more of an object than a person, the mother. She does not nag like Simon. She does not complain. She does not make any noise at home. She's just quiet watching everyone walk to and fro the house. She does the dishes and cleaning. She sees everything, but does not say anything about everything. She is a breathing ghost.

So I hesitated going back to Pale Street. I said goodbye to my favorite pen, my mobile phone, and my ballet shoes. With a big pack of strength I climbed on to a trip somewhere I've never been. This is the beginning.

* * *

Mama reads me to sleep. My favorite bedtime story is The Little Ballerina by Margo Fallis. It's a story of a girl who had animal playmates who keeps asking her to dance for them in the woods. But she refused to because she haven't brought her ballerina outfit so she tells them stories instead. One day after play as she arrived home everyone in the family asked her to dance. So she put on her pink ballerina outfit and twirled and curled. Everyone was clapping for her including her animal friends who came to watch. And that was the happiest moment she ever had in her life.

I always loved that story. I wanted to be a ballerina someday. To perform on stage with the lights only for me. Me in my most glamorous ballerina outfit, turning, swirling and dancing like there's no tomorrow.

Days before my 7th birthday Mama asked me for a gift. I told her she does not have to give one. I just want to be with her and Papa for a whole day, which seldom happens. They agreed and promised to. And I was the happiest kid in the world.

My day came but I found no Pa and Ma at home. When I woke up they were not there anymore. I waited and waited till the afternoon, still nothing. I cried the hardest that I can. They failed me. And I had my first heartbreak.

Later, the phone rang. It was someone I don't recognize. I couldn't understand a word he was saying. He was slurring with his words. I think he was crying. I dropped the phone down. Then I realized it was Papa.

Nobody told me what really happened. But I overheard Uncle Chris and Papa talking because eavesdropping is my talent. Mama and Papa were off to buy me a gift when they hit two people accidentally. A mother and a child. They rushed them to the hospital. Unfortunately the child died. The mother cursed Mama for it. Mama was devastated and she is now depressed. She does not speak anymore or with anyone. That struck me.

I went to the hospital to see Mama. But it's not the one we've been through before. The moment I saw her I rushed for a hug. And she's not even the mother I knew before. Mama turned away and took something. It was a pair of pretty ballet shoes.

"Happy birthday", she told me.

And that was when the birds stopped singing.